Thankful for the opportunity to continue talking about Ronan, Taylor, childhood cancer, and the horrifically hard world of bereavedparents. So typical. was when it was all I could do not to crawl under the table and curl up in a ball. I love you. Bobby Eugene Nutt [1] (April 3, 1951 - June 8, 2017), better known by his ring name Ron Starr, was an American professional wrestler. The world seems so noisy and not in a good way. My shot hurt for you. I had visions of the signs I would hold, while bouncing Poppy on my hip. A huge thank you to Mayor Stanton of Phoenix, Arizona for signing our proclamation to declare September as Childhood Cancer Awareness Month. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. I inhaled it, hoping for it to smell like you. O.k. It felt good to be out and about, doing something a little out of my comfort zone. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Nowhere else. She asked me if I would like to know. What in the hell is that all about? Dr. Sholler was not expecting it, but she smiled and seemed o.k. Obviously someone who never lost a child. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Today, I didnt see anything I liked and I just wanted to rip everything off of the racks. That my life without you is full of so much pain, sadness and hurt. I know you will be a part of her, Ronan, but not in the way I want or you want. Him: I do. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. Its bullshit and something no parent should ever have to experience. super-420-mom 12y. The picture came on the screen. It felt good just to be out with my friend. I need to find a hobby during my witching hours. Thats all I want to eat. You know that better than anyone. I left the hospital, waiting to hear the news that was the only news there could be. I love you to the moon and back. I fall asleep easily much of the time, only to wake up like clock work around the time you passed away. This is all for tonight, little man. I WILL DO ANYTHING. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. I love you. We went out to dinner tonight to one of our favorite restaurants, Tarbells. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. Eddie Vedder will forever be one of my idols in life as I appreciate so much how he just lives his life the way he wants, with no apologies. I know you know how much we all need her. Just when I have been struggling on a little side project the past few days. I am so glad we are here. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. Not the spilled milk, not the I dont have enough time for myself because my kids keep me too busy, not the messes made, not the arguments that are had, not the strong-willed child that throws a fit over everything, not the I am too tired because my sick, child kept me up all night. Please. If that wasnt enough to make me cry, the next thing was. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. Ill just stick with pie for now. Its all so unfair. I think I stumbled on a few things. Because if I dont have things to do, I just wont do anything at all and that is not a good place for me to be. I asked her to just give me some time and to come in, after we get home from the hospital. I almost felt mad at the baby boy, in my dream, for not being you. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. I know what needs to be done. Sheets drenched. I love you so much. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. I started bawling, tears falling everywhere. I will never stop apologizing for this. I almost made your daddy take me to the ER as I thought I was massively dehydrated. I need to rough them up a bit. That makes me sad. Case in point, conversation with your daddy in the car. He deserved better. I sat today and tried to be productive. Sparkly Eyes - ROCKSTAR RONAN Of course this left me wiped out so I had to come home and take a bloody nap. You know you have my utmost respect, always. I wiped my tears away and let him tell me it was going to be alright. Stay tuned:) I miss our city, so very much and now I might just have a great excuse to get my pregnant ass back out there, puking and all. I was not going to mention to him, how I had been crying most of the day but apparently my bloodshot eyes were not cooperating. So much has happened and so much Just as I was saying to her, How am I going to survive these next two months? A text popped up on my phone. I'm landing close to midnight. A little sorry were really not sorry light bulb changing is not going to stop me from trying every year, to get this to finally happen. Its because when I first found out I was pregnant, it was the size of a poppy seed. Lights out for the next 7 hours. Ronan. She has a Ronan. I would rather not put something into my body if I dont have to. She told me she was sorry about you. The Story of Taylor Swift's 'Ronan' Told by the Real Mom It's - Insider I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. I used to love my meat, but now I think I know how she feels. My foggy grief brain still makes a lot of my memories of you, hard to remember. We have all agreed on that. I remember being really sad because this I so wanted this baby to be you, but it was not. We talked about New York for a bit. I told her I didnt remember a thing about it except I dont think I cried. He was so tiny and frail. Running on the beach. It took my breath away. I was mesmerized by her. I gave into it. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. I knew I wanted to go there during this trip but I imagined going all alone and crying into my favorite soup. Even if we name her something else, she will be called Poppy as a nickname. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. I was getting ready for our little board meeting and I should have suspected something.. but I just chopped it up to being tired. Cant a vampire/zombie catch a break around here? I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. Your day of death. You know in my obsessive exercising eating nothing world before I was pregnant, I would have never touched a pie. I did my best to soak up everything that was being said. I hope you are safe. To bond. I just want to sit and cry, so I do. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. show in Florida. Its about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally fucked up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. I sent your Mr. Sparkly Eyes a text message. For you, Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Miss you. - ROCKSTAR RONAN This is why, I have been doing everything from our house. I told them I was. Why are you laughing. Ill be sorry for the rest of my life. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Ronans dead. Please keep this baby girl safe for me, Ronan. It just tells me, once again, what we are doing, is so right. It doesnt work. I hate the month of May. I finally got your daddy on the phone. I was holding him and our Mr. Sparkly Eyes came into the room. Yes, The White House should be GOLD. I am trying to get excited about Poppy, but all I can focus on is not having you physically here to be a part of her life. I am not perfect. I was so glad I got to tell him my news in person. I wanted to say I dont know how to stop. He deserved to be mine, for much longer than almost 4 years. Ive been spendingmost of my days in your room. We worked SO hard for those signatures and I know all of our supporters did, too. Heres how Im going to get through the next two months. I opened a letter from someone saying how they had heard your story, wanted to help, but they only had 1 dollar. Almost too good. Tell me what I can do for you. I dont like when I have to stay cooped up all day, not running around doing 50 million things. Not crying. We talked a lot about you, about her son and all the things you are making happen in this world. He promised to help me fuck cancer and Im not letting him go anywhere other than here, to do that. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. That I dont have my own Captain Rex here with me anymore to protect me. Your daddy never knows what hes going to get with me. Im used to being the energizer bunny. Im soaking that up, because it doesnt happen often. I know he feels the same way that I do, that this book is not only our beautiful, tragic love story, but it is another way to spread awareness as well. I read your blog every day and as a father your strength and love is simply amazing!! She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. This is all for now. THANK YOU. Thank you for bringing her to us. I told her the Carolyn news. Grief. Why is the house so quiet? NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. A sleepy little town, where it seems as problems do not exist. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. Im really sick and alone and nobody wants to take care of me., Mr. Sparkly Eyes: You are not alone. I love you. When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. Gnight baby doll. We talk about you a lot. Im working on it but my revenge will never serve justice for your death. You know what comes next though. I guess it was good that I had a fairly quiet week because I am going to need to find my energy for this weekend. Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Who am I kidding? Please rest. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. For as much as I can say all I care about is a healthy baby, the truth is, a little girl would mean so much mainly for the fact that you wanted a baby sister. A nice email that once again, came again at the most perfect timing. I couldn't take it anymore. She knows that you are the force behind everything that comes my way. We walked all over the city. I cannot believe a mannequin is wearing my dead childs costume. Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. Ive had your brother home sick 3 days this week. I got asked to lead a 5k run that some girls I know wanted to throw together at our Lake Sacajawea. You were just so happy being home with all of us. To me, the littlest things can sometimes seem like the most difficult. I remember our last moments together. This is the girl, who ran a marathon, without training for it, just because. I wonder if my never-ending tears are because of how much I miss you, or all of my hormones due to being pregnant or a combination of everything. How can words comfort that? I felt myself panic. I know this lesson they are learning in life and about your story will shape them in a way that they will go on to do amazing things. I love you. The Ronan Thompson Foundation - ROCKSTAR RONAN I was having a really, really sad day but didnt want to let him in on that. I feel that way about everyone who hears about you. Homemade crust. No way could it really be a girl. I used to be able to go days without crying. I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. I am floored. These kids, deserve to be recognized, not swept under the carpet. I NEVER get to make him smile with happy news, because all the news I sit and share with him is usually so fucking sad or me venting. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. Thanks to all of the amazing people you are just throwing my way, thanks to this blog, and thanks to the most kind hearted, generous people in the world, I now have a new home. Ronan is not going to let anything happen to you. That phone call that has had me down on my knees every day and night, begging and screaming to you to please DO NOT LET THIS BE STAGE IV FUCKING BULLSHIT CANCER AGAIN. Early life. There was complete devastation. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. Beauty. ! I started to cry. She thought we were all lying to her. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. on Dear Grief/Pregancy, You will NOT kill mysoul. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. Am I pushing things a bit? You know who kicked ass in the race today, Ronan? You have a baby on the way. O.k. Darling. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Not even his witty remark made me giggle. We shall see, right Ro baby. Nobody deserves to get cancer, but especially not children. Sweet dreams. All dressed up. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. Alright little man. This does not suit you at all., me: Fine. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. P.S. All of my friends are. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. I sat back with our friends and watched the way the 4 of our boys became fast friends, laughing and giggling together. I set it out for Stacy to pick up to give to Fernanda to let her work her magic. on There Are 2 Things in Life I Will Never Say No To. I talked about it in a way that I made her understand why the care is just as important as the research. Posted on July 28, 2011 July 28, 2011 Categories Uncategorized Tags angels, arizona, Cancer, childhood cancer, Childhood Disease, Family, god, Lazer Tag, Mr. Sparkly Eyes, Neuroblastoma, Phoenix, Rockstar Ronan, sloan kettering, The Ronan Thompson Foundation, true love 11 Comments on Moneyball, Liz. This appointment just happened to fall on her birthday! The way I run myself ragged, Im surprised it took this long. I love that so much. I think so, but to know so, Id have to go back and read my blogs from the past years. Fuck. Charisma. I was told I was in fact not having a mid life crisis, that everything I am feeling is just due to losing you which I of course already knew, but it was nice to hear it from a rational person. December 2021 - ROCKSTAR RONAN Happy and fancy. With the little free time that I had in New York, I spent it with Rachel. They thought it was pretty cool. You were a child. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? Of course it is a Star Wars theme. I ended the day with Stacy at Fernandas house. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Quinnmade a commentabout how weird it felt to have another person living in our house again with us. Alright little man. I was wearing my most favorite Frye Cowboy boots that I have had for about 7 years. Not because he thinks I am wrong, but I think he likes to provoke me into thinking long and hard about things from every angle, before I take such a strong stance. Not even a trip to the grocery store, the car wash, the bank, etc Even the littlest things are different. Mr. Sparkly Eyes called. So loudly I was sure that everyone in the room was going to hear it. We talked about how painful this is, how time does not make things better, but how we both know we will see our babies again, someday. They asked if I would be up for doing Skype interviews with them, pretty frequently. Nothing helps. Poppy is developing such a little personality and at 7 months, is already trying to walk. I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. I miss you so much. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. Its been much too long. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. You only left me with the best and for that, I will always be thankful. At least my anger seems to be under control. Someday, I will tell you. I sobbed into the phone. But he was stolen from me by childhood cancer. I have taught myself it is better to go into something not expecting a thing that way less disappointments occur. We dont have many plans for the weekend. This is what you were meant to do and will do for the rest of your life. Coming from her, I was beyond flattered. I miss you so much. Their happy, is too loud. I know what that feels like. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. It has nothing to do with science. I'm landing close to midnight. I remember with all of you, I read that book, What To Expect, When Youre Expecting. I carried that thing around with me like it was my bible. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN The bloody hell worst day of my life. I love you. I cannot believe that this is my life. I chose to escape instead. The house was dark and our kitchen table was empty. I slept for about 16 hours straight. So much has happened and so much is going on that I dont even know what to address first. I know that running away would not have solved my sadness, but living in the same house, without you is hard for me. All I can do is my best and I want to do this the right way, not the rushed way. (still sick and maybe a little depressed) He put his keys on our dresser, just like he always does, right in front of your urn. Ive noticed myself starting to have a really hard lately. Ronan. We have been dealing with some *cough cough* technical difficulties. I know we are and will change this world in a very big way but FUCK. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. You know what I told him today? My days feel so sad and lonely without you here, and with me, being stuck at home because I am literally too tired to function. My heart started pounding. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. I left her office, feeling tired and sad. Which is why I may have such a big problem with being out in the real world now. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. "A number I don't recognize called my phone and left me a voicemail. You are alone. Rissy Girl. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. I wont ever love the month of May again. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. February 22, 2011 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I dont know what this dream meant. A light-hearted but heavy-hearted way to make some money to get Dr. Mosses trial funded, seemed like the way to go. I should know more, soon. All of this is way much for one person to handle. I remember telling her about you. with that. Then I usually come back home, do a few things, but fall back into a coma like sleep for a few hours. I will be your Rovocate for the rest of my life. Dr. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. I wake up exhausted. Then perfect little boy Ronan. I miss you. I think that is appropriate since it is the day that cancer stole you. Avoiding my reality once in a while helps me get through the days that I just cant take living this life without you anymore. They are such good little boys. This is just the beginning. Im not sure what we will do. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. It felt like it today. She put the little wand over my belly. I hope you are safe. I huffed and puffed. But because I know what happens when I listen to that song. It stopped and looked my way. You know that speaks volumes in my book. I miss you so much. She could not believe it. I worry about her so much already. I leave soon. #cryingallday. Ronan. Im sorry for everything. Liam happily snapped my pics and laughed at my goofy posing/fake running. Twenty freaking one. Im tired. I miss you. I talked with her a bit about how I really didnt want to get it. I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here. I did see my life flash before my very eyes a couple of days ago when I found myself in bed, on my 6th Cadbury Cream Egg, and watching The Kardashians. I had a moment of sheer panic wash over me as I thought to myself, Who am I?? I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore.
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